Just got done reading georgies blog. He doesnt talk to me much....and even if he did his blog would tell me so much more lol. A focus on one part peaked my interest where he mentioned playing games with james. I am so happy that they are friends again. I still think about him sometimes....not in the way I use to....yeah you know the way that half my blog is filled with. I just miss him and james too! I miss unconditional friendship. I miss people who care about me deeply and can handle my attitude. My life is filled now....I tried to save money from my tax return to go see my besties in cleveland but I couldnt.....things just kept demanding my money. Sometimes guilt washes over me. sometimes I feel like i betrayed myself by falling for someone else. I know it shouldnt....he is happy and I am happy....the human mind has curious tendencies though........the whole what if factor.....I also hate being that person...that person who misses her best friends but they dont miss her....dont view her like she views them. ive always been that person. the person who loves someone and they dont love her back the same way. the person who befriends people who dont even view her as friends....or like in my life currently.......I love carrina with all my heart but she doesnt even want to come to me and cesars wedding....

Life right now is blissful chaos. I have so much on my shoulders. I am moving, going to school,working,helping my sorority, and planning a wedding. that isnt even the half of it though. I always pride myself in being able to help other people....every now and then im like,.....hey....whyyyyyyyy do all these people come to me though!!!!! and sometimes I come to them. I am being weighed down now though....and because it is way too much for me I keep trying and I end up half assing everything and it pisses me the fuck off!!!! I hate the guilt and shame of non completion. People dont understand,....i keep telling them,....yeah u need to start doing stuff on ur own cause im not going to be able to do such n such forever. they dont get it though....ima just SNAP one day. it seems like I dont get to do much for myself lately....its about everybody else. Doing stuff for carrina and savannah....my mother....my loving brother that lives offa me....my brothers friend! friends....coworkers....cesar. Cesar has been a doll but we have lost connection in this chaos. He has been working overtime and helping me with the house and such. we dont have alone time until we move ( oh yeah we will have a door to our bedroom when we move!!!!) I hope I can make the time to reconnect. the longer it is the harder it gets. That is one reason we are moving to a bigger apartment. PRIVACYYYYYYYY lol. I love cesar so much.....what other man would put up with my grown ass brother living with us?????

Ok....best friend Brandi....is driving me NUTSSSSSS. She gets so defensive...and always thinks i have an attitude even when I dont. I keep telling her that is how I talk. and yeah getting her hired at my work was NOT a good idea for some reasons....but she has got her babies to take care of and her good for almost nothing boy friend doesnt have a job so in some ways im also kinda glad that i got my boss to hire her. When ever anyone tells her she is doing something wrong at work she gets defensive or gets an attitude and tells you that sheeeeeeee knowssssss. yea...everyone is complaining about her....behind her back because she makes it impossible to tell her stuff to her face because she doesnt listen. We just need to hang out outside of work though.

way too much goin on....i cant even organize my thoughts into a blog.....hmmmm

I have a problem and I need help before I lose what seemed like a dream come true. I am a control freak. Fear leads me to hold onto the things I love so tightly I smother them. I am like that disease that kills roses....or like a snake. I never meant to do these things...I just loved you and you and this and that....and I was scared of losing what I had....my fear lead to actions and my actions lead to me realizing my fear...essentially causing my fears to come true. I know...its not all my fault...and I know...it doesnt make me a bad person. I cant help but feel defeated though.....I dont know how to go about "letting go". I dont know what to let go and what to still be firm on. I dont know what letting go means. I dont know how to relax....I dont know how to console myself. I dont know how to stop worrying. My tears are never ending. My heart is always breaking. my every smile is followed by a frown. My sunshine is ruined by rain. What happened to the me that could make even rain feel like sunshine?

I am so lonely....even when cesar is by me I still feel lonely. Now....palm, james, if you read this do not take offense....but I dont have any friends. Every person I have tried to be friends with tries to use me in some way. Wants money or a ride...never to hang out n chill n just...talk. I am selfish....to let cesar have friends because I am the one sitting at home all alone. I have a friend that lives far away and another that lives far away but is even more far away. but it seems that connection has been lost. their lives have moved on and so has mine. It isnt exactly like its odd for me. I have never had many friends. When I was younger I probably went to like a gazillion different schools because my mom moved us around a lot. That make it hard to have friends...I was on to the next school before I could even make a connection with someone.

I have problems.......we all do....I dont know what to do....I dont have money for a doc and no kids to let me get medicaid ( aint that fucked up....u got to pop out bunches of babies to get some government help) everyone expects me to change....no one accepts me and no one wants to meet me half way. Palm always talked  about having to do this shit on my own....like...u know..bein happy with urself....but sometimes people fall so deep they need a helping hand...or am I wrong? who would ever help me though....everyone got they own lives to live....no body can stop their life to help me get mine goin....I want my heart to beat with out an ache...to lie in bed at night and fall fast asleep with a smile on my face...I want I want I want....but I help people too....I go outa my way to help people. You know what I always get instead of a thank you? " I didnt ask you to do that" I dont do those things for thank you this and thank you that....but it kinda hurts when someone says that. ............ug....I dont know what else to do or say....where to start and what to end...